A year ago when me and Joey decided to start trying to get pregnant we were unbelievably excited. One of the things we have always talked about is how we are gonna raise our kids and the things we are going to do with them and how incredibly amazing it would be! The best thing that could have ever happened was getting pregnant so quickly! However, we didn't get to celebrate for very long. Not even a week after finding out we were pregnant we miscarried. Our baby was MAYBE 5 weeks old. We didn't know the gender which will probably always upset me. I tell myself "I could heal if I just knew if it was a boy or a girl so i could just call our baby by name." That's the worst part I think. The fact that i wanted this baby so much, but it was too soon to know hardly anything about him/her.
September was supposed to be when our baby was due. So last month was kind of a hard month. Especially since so many of my friends are pregnant and the list just keeps getting bigger. It's hard to think about them all having their babies when I was pregnant first and my baby should be here in my arms right now.
The only thing worse than miscarrying is trying so hard for another baby and constantly failing. This month I was even having multiple pregnancy symptoms! I was so completely sure I had to be pregnant. Sadly not the case. It is a constant slap in the face.
We've only been trying for a year, but it feels like 5 years. Maybe I want it too much haha if that can even be possible. I calculate everything, I take my temperature, I take the supplements, and I do almost everything I can do to get pregnant but it is just not happening.
I wonder if this is just God testing my patience. I am trying so hard to just trust in him. But i think that is extremely difficult when you want something so bad. I have to continue to pray about this and try to keep myself together and stay so hopeful. At this point I'm brought to my knees. I either want God to give me a baby or just give me peace.
