The past few weeks have been the most emotionally difficult for me to get through. We found out we were pregnant and then a week later I started bleeding which obviously is never an ok thing while pregnant. The doctor told me my pregnancy was still progressing and I just needed to take it easy and be on bed rest. Shortly after being put on bed rest i started having morning sickness. I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. It was absolutely miserable and I was still bleeding. That went on for a couple weeks.
9 weeks of being pregnant finally got here and I had my first doctors appointment. I was so nervous my heart was pounding harder than ever. I was still so hopeful everything was ok with my baby though. However, the doctors did multiple tests and ultrasounds and there was no heartbeat. They scheduled me for a D&C the very next day. I was heartbroken and super nervous about surgery.
When they had started prepping me for surgery and got the IV in me I was immediately freezing. They wrapped me in blankets and I was still shaking uncontrollably to a point where the bed was shaking. While that was going on they gave me medicine to make me have contractions which also made me nauseated. At this point I was beyond ready to be put under and get everything done with.
After surgery and being sent home I wasn't sore from the surgery but from the shaking before hand. Every muscle in my body was so tight and it was hard to move anything. My poor husband had to do everything for me, but he did it without any hesitation which was absolutely incredible. Luckily he didn't have to cook because we have an awesome church family that has been taking such good care of us. God has truly blessed us with such loving and caring people.
Now I'm able to move around on my own and I'm not taking as many pain killers. Things seem to be winding down and emotionally everything is hitting me. I know God has a greater plan for us, but after now having 2 miscarriages and having tried to conceive for well over a year I just don't know if I can go through this again so far away from family. This is one of the major downfalls from living in a foreign country.
We have 2 years left here. I want a baby so badly, but I simply don't have it in me to lose another baby so soon. I know there's always a chance the next pregnancy will be fine, but I don't wanna risk it. This has just been miserable. It sounds silly but I really just want my mom right now.
After I heal completely and the doctor tells me I can go back to normal activities I plan on spending as much time as I can with Joey. Before I found out I was pregnant we were learning new dances together and just spending time having fun. After whats happened the last few weeks fun sounds amazing. I think I want to start doing a Bible study with him as well since we both struggle majorly with praying out loud. I want to master prayer before we have children anyway.
Right now I'm not ok, but with God's help and the love of my dear husband I know I can move forward and overcome this.
