I'm so bad at blogging.

I just realized I have not even checked my blog in FOREVER!  Gonna try to be better at that.. But I have been SOOOOOOOOOO busy!  Which is good but sometimes hard to handle.   

I am now the english secretary for my church here in Japan.  Its so nice because I'm actually good at it AND enjoy it!  But it takes away from my house work.  My house looks like an utter DISASTER!  I guess I can get away with it though because I'm still figuring out this whole working housewife thing.  I think it will help when i give away half my closet.  Which I'm avoiding. 

Working so much also take away from my quiet time with God which I'm really trying to fix..  I just started running again so I'm thinking about making that my time..  We'll see.  Life is just so unpredictable right now.  I mean i could be going home at the end of July or something dumb could happen and me and Joey could still be stuck here in Japan.

That's the cool thing about really having a relationship with God.  You have to give Him the control AND understand that He's going to take care of everything despite how frustrating things get.   Things will work out eventually.  It all works in His time.. We will never have control.  And that's alright.   Cause I don't want to be in control of my life.  I'll end up just messing it up. 

Another update:

We MAY start trying again..  It's been a few months since our last miscarriage and I think I'm ready to give it another try.  Hopefully things work out this time.  But if they don't I'll just run to my Father's arms and He will love on me =]

Moving Forward

The past few weeks have been the most emotionally difficult for me to get through.  We found out we were pregnant and then a week later I started bleeding which obviously is never an ok thing while pregnant.  The doctor told me my pregnancy was still progressing and I just needed to take it easy and be on bed rest. Shortly after being put on bed rest i started having morning sickness.  I couldn't keep anything down, not even water.  It was absolutely miserable and I was still bleeding.  That went on for a couple weeks.

9 weeks of being pregnant finally got here and I had my first doctors appointment.  I was so nervous my heart was pounding harder than ever. I was still so hopeful everything was ok with my baby though.  However, the doctors did multiple tests and ultrasounds and there was no heartbeat.  They scheduled me for a D&C the very next day.  I was heartbroken and super nervous about surgery.

When they had started prepping me for surgery and got the IV in me I was immediately freezing.  They wrapped me in blankets and I was still shaking uncontrollably to a point where the bed was shaking.  While that was going on they gave me medicine to make me have contractions which also made me nauseated.  At this point I was beyond ready to be put under and get everything done with.

After surgery and being sent home I wasn't sore from the surgery but from the shaking before hand.  Every muscle in my body was so tight and it was hard to move anything.  My poor husband had to do everything for me, but he did it without any hesitation which was absolutely incredible.  Luckily he didn't have to cook because we have an awesome church family that has been taking such good care of us.  God has truly blessed us with such loving and caring people.

Now I'm able to move around on my own and I'm not taking as many pain killers.  Things seem to be winding down and emotionally everything is hitting me.  I know God has a greater plan for us, but after now having 2 miscarriages and having tried to conceive for well over a year I just don't know if I can go through this again so far away from family.  This is one of the major downfalls from living in a foreign country.

We have 2 years left here.  I want a baby so badly, but I simply don't have it in me to lose another baby so soon.  I know there's always a chance the next pregnancy will be fine, but I don't wanna risk it.  This has just been miserable.  It sounds silly but I really just want my mom right now.

After I heal completely and the doctor tells me I can go back to normal activities I plan on spending as much time as I can with Joey.  Before I found out I was pregnant we were learning new dances together and just spending time having fun.  After whats happened the last few weeks fun sounds amazing.  I think I want to start doing a Bible study with him as well since we both struggle majorly with praying out loud. I want to master prayer before we have children anyway.

Right now I'm not ok, but with God's help and the love of my dear husband I know I can move forward and overcome this.

Devastation

A year ago when me and Joey decided to start trying to get pregnant we were unbelievably excited. One of the things we have always talked about is how we are gonna raise our kids and the things we are going to do with them and how incredibly amazing it would be! The best thing that could have ever happened was getting pregnant so quickly! However, we didn't get to celebrate for very long. Not even a week after finding out we were pregnant we miscarried. Our baby was MAYBE 5 weeks old. We didn't know the gender which will probably always upset me. I tell myself "I could heal if I just knew if it was a boy or a girl so i could just call our baby by name." That's the worst part I think. The fact that i wanted this baby so much, but it was too soon to know hardly anything about him/her.

September was supposed to be when our baby was due. So last month was kind of a hard month. Especially since so many of my friends are pregnant and the list just keeps getting bigger. It's hard to think about them all having their babies when I was pregnant first and my baby should be here in my arms right now.

The only thing worse than miscarrying is trying so hard for another baby and constantly failing. This month I was even having multiple pregnancy symptoms! I was so completely sure I had to be pregnant. Sadly not the case. It is a constant slap in the face.

We've only been trying for a year, but it feels like 5 years. Maybe I want it too much haha if that can even be possible. I calculate everything, I take my temperature, I take the supplements, and I do almost everything I can do to get pregnant but it is just not happening. 

I wonder if this is just God testing my patience.  I am trying so hard to just trust in him.  But i think that is extremely difficult when you want something so bad. I have to continue to pray about this and try to keep myself together and stay so hopeful.  At this point I'm brought to my knees. I either want God to give me a baby or just give me peace. 

Going With the Flow

Sometimes i just sit back and wonder how in the world this all happened. This was not an easy transformation. Things went wrong, people didn't agree on everything, friends were lost, tragedy happened... My dad would always say "well thats life" and it would make me so mad! Looking back on it I know i was just hostile from the stress and he is absolutely right. This is life! the horrible times and rough transformations are what make life the thing its meant to be. It's meant to be a struggle.

Today is me and joeys dating anniversary. 2 years and 9 months ago we started on this incredible journey. He was an atheist. I was a Christian that had fallen away from the path God wanted me to do.We were both broke. I was jobless and he worked at Hot Topic but lost his job a month or two after we started dating. It was then that he dropped the military bomb on me. I was not ok with the idea but it was clear that this would be our best decision if we wanted to have a family together. 

We've both grown so much from everything that has happened these past couple years. Ive quit smoking. Joeys quitting smoking. Joey's a Christian and We've both grown in our relationships with God. I'm trying to be the best wife i can be while Joey works for the Air Force. I clean house and try to keep a budget. I have fun just watching movies and drinking a glass of wine with him.  we still game and hang out with people but its not like it was before we got married. It's just kinda crazy that we're in Japan being adults. haha I never wanted to grow up and here i am enjoying it for the most part. I didnt ever expect to move out of the same town as my parents till i was 25.

Obviously things dont go according to MY plan. I think this was probably the biggest test God could have given me. not only am i terrified of flying but i know nothing about military life. and hes stranded me smack dab in the middle of all of it. Anyone who says God doesnt have a sense of humor is flat out lying. I guarantee hes getting a good laugh at me daily.  I know i would be! lol He is a funny God and i love that hes put me and Joey here. Its been life changing.

I keep reminding myself to just go with the flow and let God do his thing. No matter what happens it is happening for a reason and God knows what hes doing. =D

catching up on life

It's been a while since I've written anything. This past month has been completely insane. let me catch you up... if anyone even reads these blogs. lol

 Ive been sick all month with kidney infections. Which means I've been lazy and the house wasn't clean for a month. I am finally better.. I think. So the house is back to being clean and I'm having to catch back up on life. I'm back at the gym and back at trying to get this house in shape.

Joey's FINALLY back on the day shift thank you Lord! we have a life again! no more weird sleep schedules and having to go without sleep just to hang out with friends. That had to be the longest 4 months of my life. It was horrid.

My dear soulmate, Alison, is pregnant! along with about 30 more of my friends and aquaintances. Im 100% ok with my close friends being pregnant. but to see nothing but pregnancy posts on facebook from like 30 people starts becoming a slap in the face. I was pregnant before any of them and i wanted a baby. but instead now im not pregnant and i get to watch them grow and be happy. It's kinda hard sometimes. But i know God does everything for a reason. Im struggling but I am trying to constantly remind myself that He knows what He's doing. Also along with Alison 2 other girls that were my bridesmaids are pregnant. so 3 of my bridesmaids are pregnant and all due in the same week. pretty cool cause if we visit we get to see so many new babies!!

I'm also thinking of checking myself into therapy or something. Being away from home and wanting a baby and everything is really starting to get to me. Some days im happy and some days I am way too emotional for my own good. lol

Life in Japan can be hard especially in the military. I've seen marriages start to fall apart. and I've seen the worst in some people. It really makes me thankful for the relationships I have with God and my husband.

New stuffs =]

ok there are a few new things happening in my life that I haven't kept you up to date on.

1.

I've decided to become a beautiful muscular fitness model! jk. but I am working out everyday at the gym and taking some minor supplements. not in any way shape or form getting huge muscles though. haha Going to the gym has been a new experience for me. i never went to the gym back home cause i would just work out from home or go running around the neighborhood. Lately me and two friends have been going everyday! Well... almost everyday. We take the occasional day off. It has been such a cool thing for me though! If i were going by myself to the gym I wouldn't have lasted more than a week. its just easier to workout from home. but thanks to the girls I'm going with we are able to keep each other accountable. and we share the same goals!!!

2.

We got a freakin hedgehog! hes about 4 months old and is such a nuisance! I still love him though. He's pretty adorable. We are trying to litter train him right now which is super hard. hes stubborn. I've been peed and pooped on a few times... and he likes to bite sometimes. He is getting better though. haha and we finally got him to swim in his bath!! hes a good little swimmer =] Oh! and his name is Sonic of course!

3.

We are broke. buying Sonic really took a lot. He was in a terrible environment though so we HAD to get him. lol soooo we are surviving on Ramen and taco bell. SOOOO UNHEALTHY! i hate it. but we cant afford anything else until we get paid. On the bright side we have spent a lot of time at home being a couple... playing video games. ha!

4.

I'm buying a new camera and MIGHT start putting videos on youtube about military life in japan. lol might be super boring. not sure. we'll see =p


and thats it! You're up to date. Now i gotta go get ready to go to the gym!!!!! woo!!!!

old cries for help resurface

Last night i was laying awake in bed for hours. I was thinking of my past in high school and everything i went through. it was such a horrible time. and i ended up actually writing a poem. i haven't written anything in a couple years so this really helped me a lot.

I lie awake in my bed
Remembering all the past and what you had said

When the tears and blood dripped to the ground
I searched for you but you were never around

To feel the rush, the energy, the high
They think it's cool but I still run and hide

They show me the scars while i hide my pain
After years of this they have no shame

I lied and cheated, I was addicted to the rush
The rush they chase simply out of lust

We sacrificed everything for a nonsense game
They know who I am but not my name

These roads are filled with blood and sorrow
I said I'd look for hope "starting tomorrow"

I lied and cheated, I was addicted to the rush
But still all i needed was a little push.