Copaface

On 4-26-2011 my boyfriend (now husband) left for basic military training for the Air Force. It was what i thought to be the hardest 2 months of my life. Just two weeks before he had left he was baptized which made it even harder to let him go. Those weeks flew by though and before i knew it he was at tech school and I was driving 12 hours to Texas to go visit him. Everyone knew he was going to propose. I was already planning the wedding so he had to! So that first trip to Texas marked one of many. I was officially planning a wedding in 5 months from two different states while driving back and forth almost weekly and getting ready for a move to Japan. I felt CRAZY!

We knew we would have to get married legally before our wedding ceremony in order to finish all the paperwork for overseas clearance. I was staying at my Mema's house whenever visiting Joey so she helped out a lot with everything. Her pastor actually came to her house and we got married right there in her living room! It was a very cool moment for me.  I got married on 9-23-2011 in the same living room i remember having Christmas in as a child and playing silly games with my cousins in. It was so nice to just relax from everything. It was like escaping from reality. i hung out with my cousins that i rarely got to see growing up. i spent time with my grandparents. and i was married to the man of my dreams! The only way it could have been any better is if more of my family was there. I know it made my mom and dad sad not being able to be there.

The wedding day was planned for December 10th and Joey graduated on the first. We were cutting it close because the paperwork had yet to go through. I came home from Texas for one day to get my hair done and for my best friend to throw me a party then the day after she came with me to go back to pick Joey up. We made it home by the 8th. THE DAY BEFORE THE REHEARSAL! I will never ever ever recommend cutting plans that close. I am highly surprised i didn't have a heart attack. Me, my mom and my best friend were in constant panic mode. which i guess is what a wedding does to you haha.

The night before the wedding i had a few of my bridesmaids stay the night at my house. We could not sleep! we were up talking almost all night about pregnancy because we were trying to have a baby. We didn't tell many people but its what we wanted. I truly wanted my mother to be able to see me pregnant before i moved to Japan.  no matter if i showed or not. So finally just to shut my bridesmaids up i took a test. Jokingly i looked at them and said "Oh my gosh guys!" and i hadn't even looked at the test. so dumb. Then i looked at them. and i got butterflies. they didn't believe me until they saw it. We immediately told my mom and she was too tired and stressed to truly react. she made up for it the next morning when we told my dad the news as well. It was a good day.

Ever since i can remember Ive always dreamed of getting married young and having kids. i love kids. I don't care about partying or being newlyweds. I want a family. i want to raise a child. My brother and sister-in-law got married when i was 9. i grew up watching them. I wanted a love like their love. and when they had my beautiful niece, Lucy, i saw how my sis-in-law was with her. I knew that was what God meant for every mother to be like.

When I met Joey We talked about what kind of parents we wanted to be. He joined the Air Force so we could start a family. So after he got to tech school we talked about when we would want to start having children. The thought of my family and my best friend never being able to be apart of my first pregnancy really upset me. But we agreed if God wanted me to be pregnant then I would get pregnant. it was as simple as that.

after we found out about the pregnancy we were over joyed. it seems so unreal. that news on my wedding day was amazing. There was one thing that broke my heart though. My brother and sis-in-law had been having an extremely hard time. they had been wanting to have another baby but couldn't get pregnant. Nothing seemed harder than keeping this news from them the entire day of the wedding. I didn't want to upset them before the wedding. i didn't want to stress them out. So i decided to tell them directly afterwards. and i broke down. I felt like i betrayed them. i know i didn't but i felt like i did. it is a terrible terrible feeling telling the people that inspired you and taught you so much about what it truly is to be a parent that your pregnant right after they find out they aren't when they have been trying for so long. They said they were ok and it would be a good thing. But i still felt terrible. After we talked i prayed and decided i didn't need to be upset anymore. It was my wedding weekend and i was having a little me!

A couple days after the wedding I had to take Joey back to Texas. My dad came with us which was amazing since i felt like i couldn't drive anymore. We dropped Joey off and the entire drive i was having some painful stomach cramps. I texted my sister-in-law and after a while of talking she advised me to go to the ER to be checked out for a possible miscarriage. I knew that the miscarriage was possible ever since i had woke up that morning. it made me sick to think about. I woke my dad up and told him and of course he freaked out like and father should but i made him stay at my Memas house. and i made him promise not to tell her because i did not want her worried up all night over me. there is nothing to worry about. whatever happens is what God wants. there's no need for people to lose sleep or stress out.

After meeting up with Joey at the hospital they took some blood and we waited for 3 hours for them to run some more tests. But they never ran the tests because they had their answer. I did have a mis carriage which was no big deal to them since i was "only 5 or 6 weeks pregnant." we left the hospital and i cried and cried and cried. i acted ok around everyone else. i guess that's just how Ive always been. I started reading a bible plan on faith. and i decided i wouldn't dwell on my loss but i would use it to glorify God's name. Everything does happen for a reason. and maybe my miscarriage happened to bring me closer to God or to test my faith. But i know whatever the reason, if i didn't have my faith i wouldn't be ok.

The tattoo on my arm says "By faith in Christ you are in direct relationship with God. Galatians 3:26."

Just this past year seems like it has been the hardest time of my life. But i know for a fact i would still be stuck feeling so sorry for myself if it wasn't for God.

I was up for hours laying in bed tonight thinking "why me?" when i should have been saying "thank you"  because someday things will work out. not in my time. but in his time. and he has blessed me even through the hard times.

In regards to the title, A copaface is a mask. this is me taking my mask off. Thank you for reading <3